Archive for October, 2008

More Baby Love

This baby…she has to be the cutest thing ever born! As a NEWBORN, when babies are supposed to be freaky-looking, she is really, really cute. My little love!

This look right here I think she picked up from her Aunt. No, no, I’m not insane (well…). Bhima picked this look up from me, and then passed it to her infant daughter! Bhima and I have a lot of the same facial expressions, due to being so close in age, I think.


Blood Ties

Just looking at pictures of my niece fills me with a fierce, protective love. Over my dead body will anything hurt her when I am around.  I have not held her, I have not heard her cries, but still, I would kill or be killed for her. Funny how that human instinct works, huh?

My sister and I have had a strange relationship over the years.  I have nursed her through many episodes of mental illness. I have fended off her attacks on my brother and mother during her bad times. For a long, long time I was her only confidante.  She has betrayed me time and time again, yet I would still take her in (even though it would cause huge fights with my husband). I understand her mental illness. She had a horribly traumatic life. Her mother abandoned her in a train station when she was 4. She remembers her mother telling her to wait, and then never coming back. Her orphanage was a dismal, crowded place that later investigations revealed had been used as a brothel.

She came to the U.S.A when she was seven, knowing exactly two English words: cartoon and chocolate. Nobody could speak to her. My parents did not hire a translator.  Snow was on the ground. I remember her being terrified. I was the one who interacted with her. I taught her how to ride a bike. I was the first to understand what she meant in her garbled English. Still, she says things that only I can understand.

I love my sister. She’s difficult to love, but so am I.  She’s had more horrible things happen to her than anyone imagines.

I shit on anyone who says blood ties are the strongest. I cannot imagine having a stronger tie to siblings other than the ones I have.


Riley Catherine, my new niece!

Here she looks like a bewildered burrito.

Here she is with my sister (her mama), gnoming it up in her sweet little hat.

I haven’t gotten to meet her yet, as my sister lives 700 miles away. Until Thanksgiving, I have to be satisfied with pictures and buying her little outfits.

Yes, I’m already in love.


I don’t know what else to title this.

I was at a friend’s house recently, and she made some delicious shrimp alfredo. I have a strange history with shrimp. Sometimes it makes my eyelids swell shut and my lips itch. Sometimes it doesn’t. I avoid it whenever I can, to avoid the nasty side effect.

Anyhow, my friend’s kid picked up right away that I wasn’t eating the shrimp. Damn! I thought about choking some down, just so she wouldn’t copycat me and refuse shrimp (like she was doing), but then again, my lips had tingled and itched from just one piece of sushi with shrimp. Hmm..which is a worse way to ruin an evening? Refusing something your friend cooked, thus influencing their pre-schooler, or a trip to urgent care?

The Luckiest

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In my life, life has been unfair. It has knocked me down, kicked me while I was down, and buried me alive.

It has also been unfair in my favor. It seems that whatever I truly need, I receive. I met the love of my life so very, very young. I have a strong, healthy body. I have loyal, wonderful friends. Whenever I wondered how the hell were going to pay our rent and still eat, something happened. Once I won 700 dollars right in time.

Another time of grace, my feet were hurting so badly I could hardly walk, and Sean’s mom bought me a new pair of shoes. My old glasses were broken, and my eyes had gotten much worse. My mom surprised me with a new pair.

I’m not rich, not really. I actually live below the poverty line. I have felt the desperation of empty cupboards. Yet, I’m content. No, I’m not a martyr. I’m just lucky. I met Sean. I go to college. I’ve got the best pets in the world. I’m happy, truly, honestly happy, most of the time. I still struggle. I still rage often enough, but deep within there is a rightness. I can’t explain it. I hope that everyone I love finds someone who fits them as well as Sean and I fit.

I’m not a believer in destiny. I don’t believe I am a good enough person to deserve what I’ve stumbled into. I haven’t suffered enough to deserve any of this, either. I can’t justify anything I have, honestly. It’s just dumb luck. I blundered wildly in the dark. I didn’t do anything right.

New Favourite Pastimes

1. Taunting nerdy people*, especially nerdy Filipinos of the husband persuasian, by being really  quite a tart. There is nothing better than making a very innappropriate comment and watching them blush and choke. I enjoy taunting both sexes equally. I especially like to taunt them if I catch them checking me out. Recently:

“Want to see my underwear?” at a guy who kept staring at my mismatched socks. Ahahahahaha. Poor, shy, fobby Chinese student at the university nearly died. Since then, however, we have developed a friendship.

2. Cleaning up the nastiest dog diarhea ever produced. Seriously, does she have some sort of extra grease gland? Not really a favourite past time, but one that has been necessary several times in the past few days.  My poor puppy always hides under the bed if she has an accident, and sometimes gets stuck! I’m taking her into the vet’s office tomorrow for her second round of testing (blood test).  As long as I’m talking about poop, her stool sample turned up nothing. I SAVED a bag of shit IN MY HOUSE for a couple of days for nothing. Goddamned dog.

3. Writing, writing, writing poetry.  On the flipside, this new productivity is a noose around my neck. I have written four new poems that I can be proud of.  I have also cried myself to sleep the last couple nights. For no reason, of course. That is what depression is like.  I know that I am at my  most productive when I am at my most mentally unwell. I can feel winter, and with it, the decline into depression, approaching.  Winter is my most artistically productive season. Unfortunately, I also produce the most tears, my house is at its filthiest, and I neglect the rest of my life during that time.

*Oh, who am I kidding? I have enjoyed taunting nerds ever since my boobs developed.

Supreme Court Justice With Two Machine Guns

Ah, I love babysitting two bloodthirsty little beasts.

No, they’re not seriously beasts, but since their mothers have banned all guns or gun facsimilies (with which I completely agree!), they are fascinated by guns. I was explaining government to them today as they were declaring themselves President or King or Supreme Court Justice, and I’m not sure they got it…I giggled quite a bit when the title of this post came out of the older boy’s mouth.

I can’t help but encourage them to be as wild as possible while I watch them. They don’t get much time from their parents to just be crazy outside. I make them do their tasks first, and then they get to make up insane games outside. Kind of like Calvinball, if you are a Calvin and Hobbes fan, actually. I understand that their parents can’t always provide the kind of childish excitement for their silliness that I can. I know it is not as charming to them as it is to me, because they have to deal with the kids all day, every day. I am happy to come in and play with them. Don’t tell their moms, but I would do this job for free. It is a huge stress reliever to play a rousing game of Crazyball before going to class.